I’m not quite sure why I should have been so upset at events in Yerushalayim. By this stage, such tragedies have ceased to be shocking, in the full sense of the term. Nor was the age of the victims a factor; true, it is horrible for men – boys –my age and younger to be murdered, but, again, it is not unprecedented. It has been reported in the J-blogosphere, although I have yet to see it officially confirmed, that the gunman’s weapon had been supplied by Israel under the terms of the peace process. Even if that is the case, it would not be the first time that this has happened, nor would is it likely to be the last, so, again, it can not explain why I feel like this. Maybe it’s just being alone in the house by myself.
I think it might be something more. For whatever reason, I seem to have passed beyond the point of absolute pessimism regarding Israel. I have moved from thinking peace likely in the near future, through thinking it possible in my lifetime to now thinking it almost impossible in my lifetime, short of a miracle (although, as David Ben Gurion said, in Israel, to be a realist, you have to believe in miracles). More another time, when I’m less emotional. For now, a very bleak analysis from left-wing Israeli newspaper Ha’aretz on Israel’s options in the months ahead (“Hamas, with the direct or inadvertent cooperation of Hezbollah, Iran, the Islamic Jihad, Fatah fatcats, Fatah rebels, the Bush administration, and, of course, Israel itself, has created a situation in which every one of Israel's moral and strategic options is a bad one.” ) as well as this piece from the same newspaper, less an analysis and more a prose poem of despair and anger at left-wing western received wisdom:
“Spare us the conclusion that the only reason Hamas kills Jews, and that its underlying motive for encouraging others to do the same, is to force Israel to agree to a cease-fire…
Spare us the sight of the thanksgiving prayers for the great victory, prayers that began in Gaza City mosques just after the slaughter of the Jews. Spare us the sight of the sweets being handed out by little children to motorists in passing cars in the Strip, sweets to celebrate the young Jews dead on the floor, the young Jews dead at their desks, the Jews killed for the crime of being Jews in that place of study and worship…
Even the Israeli left, which for decades championed the Palestinian with courage and determination, has, in large part, had it with the Palestinians. The reason is terrorism. The reason is murder. The reason is that the rulers of Gaza are people who see an intrinsic value in the killing of Jews for the sake of increasing the number of dead Jews in the world.”
Whatever the underlying political reason, the last couple of days have been unbearable. I spent an actual majority of Shabbat asleep, which was at least a way of avoiding thought and feeling, but it meant I missed davening Mincha and eating seudah shlishit. I did at least manage to eat the other two meals, make kiddush and motzei, even though I did not feel like eating much at lunch, and somehow I managed to finish reading Halakhic Man, although I have no idea how much any of it has sunk (not the best thing I could have been reading over the last few weeks). Likewise, I managed to daven Ma’ariv tonight, but skipped the extra ‘verses of blessing’ that it is the minhag of my community to say at the start of the week. I may go back and say them later, if I feel up to it. Davening Ma’ariv at the start of Shabbat was helpful, though, particularly kabbalat Shabbat and Lecha Dodi, composed mainly of quotations and paraphrases of verses of redemption from Yishaya. I think it was Elie Wiesel who said that after Auschwitz, all prayer is a protest at God. It’s a very Jewish approach to theodicy. Attempts to resolve the matter on a theoretical level, one way or the other, would ultimately destroy us as human beings. We need to feel our pain and confusion. That’s much more important than proving or disproving the existence of God. So the intellectual is transformed into the active and prayer becomes an act of defiance, a challenge to the unknowable God to explain Godself to us, again through action. “You might be our Father, our King, our Judge, our Healer, our Redeemer, our Shield, our Comforter and our Protector, but that doesn’t give You the right to do what You want to us. See here, where it says,
“Those who despoiled you will be despoiled,
And those who consumed you will be far away;
Your God will rejoice over you,
As a groom rejoices over his bride.”
When’s that going to happen, huh? Nu?”